The "Perfect Marriage" Myth

One of the things I really love doing, although I’m not a senior pastor anymore, I was asked to help with a young married couple’s class. And so, I started one of the classes and I said, something very matter of fact. I said, “All of you, will at some point in your marriage struggle with roles, money, in-laws, and sex.” And I kind of paused I looked around the room and it wasn’t audible but it was like, “Ah!” A gasp, like, what? What? And the others were like, I can see other people with those kind of issues, but, “That could never be a problem for us.”

I assured them that no matter how much they loved each other, at some point they are going to have conflict and probably arguments about roles. Who does what and how often? Who takes care of this and who takes care of that? “Hey, why didn’t you fill up my car with gas, dear?” And you think, "Well, because it’s not my car." And then you find out that, in my case, well, her dad always filled up the car with gas. That’s what men do. Well, they didn’t do that at my house. My dad couldn’t even change the oil.

And, it sounds funny now but whether it’s family of origin issues or discovering who should do what or when or coming to some convictions about: What does the Bible teach about some big fundamental roles? And then how is that going to work out in our relationship with our gifts. And, how do we handle the finances and who owns which part of it? Or how do we stay on top of it together? Those are, realities of two people living their lives and come together and they become one.

And so, roles are going to be an issue. I mean, we can laugh about who takes the garbage out, but I got news: someone has to take the garbage out. Or in-laws. The first Thanksgiving comes up well, “We’re going to my parents’ what do you mean your parents? My parents want us to come there. Well, oh man, we can’t do that. If we don’t go to my parents they’ll be so disappointed and so hurt and so, who is going to tell which parent?”

And then pretty soon there’s a big argument about that and then we try the every-other-year plan and it doesn’t matter what you do and… see, the issue is not in-laws. The issue is about loyalty. The issue is about expectations. The issue later becomes about boundaries. And so, you’re going to argue about in-law issues, because at some point in time, if your mate seems to be putting her family ahead of your relationship, you’ve got a problem.

If there’s a chance that some things are happening where, they are encroaching on your marriage or on how you’re raising your children and you have to set some boundaries those are tough conversations. Those were some of the hardest that I had to have with, especially Theresa’s father.

Or I think about the issue of money. If you don’t think you’re going to have some conflicts over money – but it’s never really about money. See, it’s about values and priorities. We have so much money; what are we going to spend it on? All I’m trying to get to is that these are the kind of things that cause conflict.

For others, they’ve got this secularized, Hollywood view of sex and thinks it’s all about some experience and that’s what matters versus how do you cherish and serve your mate? Some will come out of a promiscuous background and really struggle with past memories or issues they have had. Or others come from maybe a really holiness background and literally think sex is bad. And so, if sex and roles and money and in-laws at different seasons are going to be major problems, guess what, you get stuck.

What do you mean? I mean you argue about them, you bury them, they come up, and you keep going around and around. And over time, they build resentment and you have a problem and problems cause division and division cause problems in a marriage, so what do you do? Well, a lot of couples just hunker down. Well, we’ll just get through this. Or they bury it. And then resentment grows.

Lie number nine of what kills and destroys marriages is this: Getting help for our marriage from a counselor or a mentor is for Losers. We should be able to figure this out on our own. And besides, we don’t want to broadcast our problems to everyone around the world. We don’t need outside help. The underlying message is being vulnerable is scary and I’m afraid. And that can be the man, that can be the woman, that can be both of you.

If we invite someone into this relationship, we are going to get exposed. Here’s the truth: Every great athlete, artist, and business executive knows the value of a coach. We all get stuck on occasion and we need help to work through these issues we can’t see for ourselves.

Now, sometimes that’s an older friend. There was probably not a church that we ever served in that we didn’t find an older couple or two that we felt like, they are ten years, maybe fifteen years down the road and we’re going to become friends with them because I don’t know that decade looks like, but they look like they came through it pretty well. I want to hang out with someone that I can say, how did you go through your fifties?” Or later, “How did you go through your sixties?” Or, “Our kids are going away to school and the empty nest is coming and how did you guys negotiate that?”

At other times, it’s a little bit more formal. Maybe you meet with one of your pastors or maybe your small group leader is a gifted facilitator. Or maybe it’s a really, really biblical, Christian therapist and you just say, “We're stuck.” And unfortunately, if you stay stuck, the problems don’t get better, they get bigger and bigger and bigger.

And over time, the problem isn’t just the problem. The problem is your husband. The problem is your wife. It’s the way he always is. It’s the way she always is. And you begin to create a world where you start to label and blame your mate in ways that are really negative and it’s hard to get out of.

My personal issue was that I was proud. I’m in seminary, I majored in psychology I have led a ministry! I have helped other people with their problems. We did our marriage, our dating God’s way. We should figure this out. And the picture, literally, I had in my mind was: I’m going to walk into some counseling area and as I’m sitting out there in the waiting room, someone I know is going to walk in. “Wow! I didn’t know you had such big problems that you need a counselor.”

And the truth is, I had such big problems I really needed a counselor. I think I have at least average to above-average intelligence and my wife certainly, she’s a smart lady. Well, we couldn’t figure it out. We got stuck. The greatest step we ever took was going to counseling. And I thought, if my marriage doesn’t work, I can’t be a pastor.

Now, back then, we got the student rate, which was really good. Ninety dollars an hour and I’m making a thousand dollars a month. It is the best ninety dollars I spent in my whole life. That ninety dollars taught us how to communicate. That ninety dollars helped my wife and I both realize we’re both insecure, we’re both afraid, we both have baggage. And here was the beauty: I got to listen to my wife tell someone what some issues and problems and struggles were that I never heard in my life.

And I got to share some things that I would have probably liked to say to her that I didn’t have the courage to say. And my wife could eavesdrop and realize, Wow, Chip is really hurting. He’s really struggling. What I received out of that experience was compassion from my wife and what I gained was understanding about, Oh, she’s doing this because, that’s how she grew up, that’s how she was treated before, that’s what she fears.

I just can’t encourage you enough. Do not believe this lie that getting help for your marriage from a counselor or a mentor is for losers. Every great athlete, artist, and business executive knows the value of a coach. We all get stuck on occasion and we need help to work through the issues that we can’t see for ourselves.

My passage for this one is 1 Peter 5:5, “In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. And all of you,” “…clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God is opposed to the proud but He shows favor to the humble.’”

It was in humbling myself that I experienced God’s favor and our marriage got restored and it was work, but God did it. And He did it because I refused to believe at some point in time, and my wife refused to believe that we could do it on our own.

Now, if things aren’t resolved, and especially if you don’t get outside help, it can lead to misbelief number ten and number eleven. And these are when you go from having problems with an issue to having problems with a person.

And there’s a difference. Lots of people have issues in their marriage, but unresolved issues over time, you shift to blaming the other person and then you shift from not only blaming, but you assign motives. Not only is your husband that way, but the reason he does that is x, y, and z. Not only is your wife that way but the reason she does it is x, y, and z.

And then you play these tapes in your head, these tapes of, well, she only cares about this or that. Or he only cares about this or that. And if she really loved me, if he really loved me then. And you nurse these and you feed them and you put up with stuff and you bury it. And if you bury it deep enough, you get depressed. If you bury it for a while and then there’s a spark, you explode.

And then pretty soon, if you’re not careful, you can find yourself living these parallel lives where you go and find your fulfillment in some area and your mate goes and finds her fulfillment in some area. And you agree around money or work or kids and you do this parallel life thing and it breaks Jesus’ heart because He made us to become one. and to grow in intimacy.

And so, misbelief number ten is a wife’s misbelief. “All he cares about is work and sports. I feel like I am left to do all the work of raising our kids and taking care of our home. I wonder sometimes if he even cares.” Notice this misbelief, it assumes you know what he really cares about. I feel like I’m left to do all the work raising the kids and taking care of our home.”

And the underlying message is I feel unimportant, unloved, rejected. I wonder, does he still love me? And that goes to other darker places like, “Am I still attractive? Am I still lovable? Am I worthwhile? And those things begin to create a lot of things in a woman’s heart and life that lead to a very dark place.

Here’s the truth: Men default to areas where they feel comfortable. Your husband has fears and insecurities about being a spiritual leader and an effective father. Criticism and disrespect will heighten those fears and push him away. Do you get it?

Let me go back to a little time prior to our counseling. I’m married. I’ve never been married before, but I marry someone who has been married before. Back of my mind I’m thinking there might be some comparison here? And I may not be very good at being married, think of every aspect.

Well, we’ve been married about six months and guess what, I’m a father. I don’t have a clue. I know I’m not a good father, in fact, I’m inept, I’m inadequate, I don’t even know what I’m doing. Later on in seminary, I wrote my thesis on the role and responsibility of the father in the family, mostly because I needed it desperately and I thought, I better figure this out somehow.

In addition, I’m in seminary. I have a really good memory. I don’t know that I’m all that smart, but I’ve got an amazing memory. And so, I always did really well in school. So, I had been to college, I had been to graduate school; I did really, really well. And now they drop me in this place called seminary. I mean, the first week: Christology. Pneumatology, eschatology. Man, there’s all these words. What in the world are these people talking about? And they’ve been to Bible school and they know this and they know that. And then the first day in Greek is this and then you go to a Hebrew class and, by the way, “It’s good to have you gentlemen. Read these fifteen hundred pages by two weeks.”

I mean, I was so overwhelmed and for the first time in my “educational life” I felt like, I’m not sure I can make it here. So, I’m afraid, I’m afraid that I’m not going to be a good husband or a good father. And I’ve got this whole new world of: I need to hold down a job and make money and go to seminary. And what I learned from that counselor was to help me see that I was afraid, and that was normal. It’s okay if you have two jobs and you’re afraid that you may not be able to support your family. Those are normal emotions.

And as I shared those things, guess what, I looked over and I’ve got this wife with tears coming down her eyes, compassionate. She was concerned about me. But what I presented was, “Why are you messing with me? But what I was really hiding from was: All my fears and all my insecurities and all my struggles that I did not know how to communicate, nor did she know how to get it out of me.

The verse here is 1 Peter 3:1 and 2, “Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and the reverence of your lives.”

My world changed when my wife was compassionate kind and understanding and created a safe place for my inadequacies and my fears and my insecurities. that was just the opposite of hands on her hips, “All he cares about is work and sports.” I defaulted like most men do to areas where we’re confident and that tends to be our work or sports or computers or whatever it is that makes us, as a man, feel like we’re in control, we know what we are doing. And so, we run there and we hide there. Is it good? No. But you need, as a wife, to understand that’s the truth.

And, husbands, you have a very similar misbelief. The misbelief for husbands is lie number eleven. It goes something like this, “All my wife cares about is the kids and the calendar. Our sex life is on life support because she’s always tired or making excuses. Sometimes I wonder if she even cares.” Sound familiar, guys? The underlying message, as a man, is I feel rejected and I feel unimportant. And so, what do you do? You assign motives and you assign blame.

And by the way, I’ve had to learn this and then relearn it with different seasons. Please don’t hear me say “I had twelve sessions and, man, it has been great and no problems ever since.” No. I did twelve sessions of counseling that helped me discover how much help I needed, where we needed to go, and we have been learning ever since. And if I could be so bold, we've been stuck.

You mean, you got stuck even while you were pastoring, like, a really large church? Yes. You got stuck in the empty nest when the whole world changed and seasons changed? Yep. What did you do? Well, I talked to mentors and coaches and friends who would really help me. And on a couple occasions I know a guy who is an amazing, biblical counselor. And I said, “You know something? Theresa and I have been working through this for a few months and we’re just kind of butting heads. Do you think you could meet with us two or three times and help us kind of get some perspective?” “Sure, Chip, would be glad to.”

Can I tell you something? This happens in seasons. Sometimes it’s right after that baby comes. I don’t know how many young men have conceded, “I feel so guilty. I feel so guilty.” I said, “What do you feel so guilty about?” “It was just the two of us and we had this great marriage. It was really wonderful. And then this baby came and, I mean, it was awesome and it’s cute and I held it and she held it and we get up at night together. And we share everything and it’s wonderful. I mean, that was good for three or four months.”

“But now I don’t think she knows I exist. I mean, children are great, but I want to be number one. And at the same time, our intimacy is gone, she’s preoccupied, her whole world is wrapped up in that child.” And he got a little attention at the gym. Or the barista sure is cute at the coffee shop. Or there’s a coworker that is kindly asking “How are things at home and is everything okay? You seem a little down.” And you start sharing with someone else other than your wife some of your struggles and they sure seem accepting.

And if you want to get set up for an affair, if you want to get set up for destroying your marriage, set up for destroying your kids’ lives, your future, perhaps your job, and a lot of other things that go with it. I just can’t tell you how many times I have sat across the table from a godly man that, in a weak moment, allowed this misbelief to rattle around in his head and then into his heart where he thought, “All my wife cares about is the kids or the calendar or what is going on at church.”

The truth is women default to areas where they feel confident. Your wife has fears and insecurities about her value, her identity, and her physical attractiveness. Sarcasm about sex, her looks, or preoccupation with the kids will only reinforce her feelings of inadequacy and they will drive her away.

The verse here is Ephesians 5:28 and 29, “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself after all, no one ever hated his own body but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does the Church.”

See, what I learned was that my wife growing up, when she was going through a rough time, she would go out by herself and play her guitar. And she’s an introvert and she would just get alone all by herself because that’s her safe space. And what I learned was that, she went through a very painful rejection at home and then another one in a marriage when her husband ran off with another woman.

So, in our conflicts, she’s thinking, I may be failing as a wife. This could be happening again. She’s feeling, I don’t fit into this seminary crowd. All these people have all this education and, Chip is in a different world. And someday are we going to drift apart? She focused – what? On our children and on other areas. Why? Because that’s where she was comfortable. And what I learned was when I heard she was as afraid and hurting and as insecure as me in some areas, and I got to hear that, guess what, I had compassion, I thought, Oh, it’s not just she only cares about the kids. It’s that she is hiding there because that feels safe.

Can I encourage you, if you need some help to get unstuck, make a phone call today to a friend, a mentor, a pastor, or a Christian biblical therapist and talk to your mate and say, “You know something? We are both smart people. If we can figure this out, we would have done it by now. Why don’t we go to counseling?” And if for any reason this has gone a bit too far and they won’t go, you go by yourself, because once you change, the whole system changes.