daily Broadcast

Why We Wound Others with Our Words

From the series Five Lies that Ruin Relationships

Gossip, slander, rumors, lies, we’ve all felt the sting of wounding words - and truthfully, we’ve delivered a few ourselves. Chip explains how to begin controlling our words and how to respond when we are wounded by the words of others.

This broadcast is currently not available online. It is available to purchase on our store.

Chip Ingram App

Helping you grow closer to God

Download the Chip Ingram App

Get The App

Today’s Offer

Five Lies that Ruin Relationships free mp3 download.


Message Transcript

I can tell you, I have lost more nights of sleep, and have felt more angry and more hurt than any single thing in all the world, is when people have, by their tongue, attacked me or someone that I love.

And what we’re going to find out is not only why this happens, and why it happens in the Church, why we wound others with our words, but I praise God, we’re going to learn how to cut this off at the pass, how to begin to eliminate this in our relationships, and beginning with us, in our own lives.

So, James chapter 4 – we’re going to look at verses 11 and 12. And listen to what James says. He says, “Brothers, do not slander one another.” That’s a command. Now, he’s going to give a reason, “Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the Law and judges it.” And now he’s going to make some logical deductions. “When you judge the Law, you’re not keeping it, but you’re sitting in judgment on it.”

And then, verse 12, he’s going, “Well, wait a second. You’ve got the wrong job description.” “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and destroy. But you” – put a circle around the little phrase but you, because everything, so far, is in the second person plural. He’s talking to the Church, the Church, the Church, “Brothers, brothers …” In fact, in this translation, it says “one another.” Literally, in the text, it’s, “Brothers, when you do this against one another” – the idea is in general, but it’s “brothers.”

And then, now, “but you” is singular. He is now shifting from, “This is a problem.” Literally, the translation could be, “Stop slandering one another.” It’s in the present tense, so, habitually, this was occurring in this church.  He says, “Stop doing it.”

And then, now, that’s in general. Now the “but you” is singular. “Who are you” – individual – “to judge your neighbor?”

Now, to get the spirit of it – I like circles and boxes. In verse 11, put a box, in your notes, around the word brother. Put a box around the phrase one another. Then, skip down to the next line, put a box around the word brother. And then, go all the way to the bottom, and put a box around the word neighbor.

There are only two verses. But do you see that this is of a highly relational context, that this happens among people who are committed, and ought to be loving and caring for one another? “Brother, brother, brother, neighbor.”  And when he talks about the “Royal Law” – remember in Leviticus, when Jesus was asked, “What is the greatest of all the commands?” And He talks about loving your – who? – as yourself? “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Now, there are three strong verbs, so I want you to put a line under the word slander, and then I want you to put a line under the phrase speaks against that happens in the second line, and then another line under speaks against.

So, the issue he is talking about has to do with brothers, neighbors, and relationships. And then, he’s going to use the word slander, and then he’s going to use this word speaking against: kata – “down; against; to tear down” – laleō – the idea of, “to say, or to speak.”

And then, the final thing I want you to do – you’re going to have to figure out whether a box or a circle is going to work – is, I just want you to notice – maybe you could put a number. This concept – he goes, “Brothers, slander,” then, notice, in the second line, “who judges him.”

“Judge” – put a number “one” over that. “Judges it” – put a number “two” over that. “When you judge” – number three – “the Law, you’re not keeping it, but you’re sitting in judgment” – put a “four” under that one. “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge” – put a “five” underneath that, and skip to the very end, and put a “six” under, “Who are you to judge?”  Now, basically what we’ve learned are basic Bible study skills. Bible study skills – you want to observe, What’s really going on? What does it say? Then, after you do the observations, What does it mean? And then, you ask, What does it mean to me?

And so, the context – we know, brother, brother, brother, neighbor. It’s a relational context. We know it has to do with our speech, because it’s slander, speak against, speak against. And then, we know there’s something having to do with the Law, but the emphasis has to do with judging. We are judging in a way that is inappropriate, and this text is going to teach us that there is only one true Judge. Is that fair, from what the Bible actually says there? See, you’re just learning Bible study methods.

Now, let’s break it down together. As I studied this passage, the first outline point for me is, it’s clear that we’re commanded to stop tearing one another down by our slanderous speech. That’s what he’s saying. If you summarized the command, he’s saying, “Stop” – because it’s happening – “tearing one another down by your slanderous speech.”

And you say, “Well, what is slanderous speech?” The word slander means “to say something untrue,” and that’s a decent translation. It’s maybe not the very best translation, because this word is a little bit more than slander.

Slander is when I say something about someone that’s untrue. This word, however, has the idea that I could say something that’s true, but my tone of voice, or my motives, I say something that’s is true, but my real goal is, when I get done saying it, you think less of the person.

You know how we can say something true about a person, but you say it in such a way that, “Well, I mean, for someone with that kind of attitude, or from that kind of family background, and with all the other issues they have, you know, you understand.” Right?

The word speak against, here, is a compound word. It literally means “to tear down; to say something negative about another person that leaves the impression that this person is less than, than when you began to speak about them.”

And so, it is the speaking down, the tearing down, the defaming. There’s a spirit of criticism. It’s the idea of fault-finding. It would include gossip. And it often has the connotation of saying these things when the other person is not around.

If you wanted to summarize the idea of what it means to not have slanderous speech, it’s when anything comes out of my mouth about another person, and when I get done talking, you think less of him, instead of more of him. That’s what is being prohibited. When anything comes out of your mouth – and you’re talking about your boss, your neighbor, your pastor, your friend – and when you get done speaking, the person who is hearing has a lower or more negative view of that person, James says, “Stop it.” Strong command. Is that clear?

The second question is: how is slanderous speech commonly practiced? Is this just something that happened in the first century, or does that happen here? And I’m going to give you three quick examples.

For me, there’s first-degree slander, second-degree slander, and third-degree slander. First-degree slander happens in normal conversation. You don’t even mean it. It’s not willful; it’s not intentional. It’s a coffee break; it’s around the office cooler. It’s in the car. It’s around the dinner table. And it often happens as you’re in the car, driving from a worship service.

And just in casual conversation, you say things about another person. And, by the way, here’s the deal. We’re going to see this in a minute. This is so commonplace among Christians. This is so a part of how we think, and how we operate. It’s not like we see something terrible, and we go, “Oh, I can’t believe I did that!” We do this so unconsciously, when we’re doing it, most of the times – and everyone else does it – we don’t even see it as a big deal.

“Well, you know what – I don’t know about you, what did you think?” “Oh, gosh, the music today, it was really loud. It was really loud. And do you really think it’s appropriate to wear a pink shirt with purple polka dots, and lead worship? And did you see Ethel up there?” “Yeah, that blue dress, someone has to tell her that blue dress just doesn’t make it with her figure. You know?”

And, “What do you think?” “I don’t know, five minutes long again. I thought we were supposed to get out on time. I don’t know…” “Who picks out the colors for these hallways? Why are we spending all the money on…?” And, “You know the elders? I don’t know what’s with these guys, but they are so insensitive to…” Just common conversation in the car.

“I can’t believe our boss. He didn’t ask my opinion, and then here – did you sit in that meeting? Did you hear what he said? Did you hear how he said it? That PowerPoint presentation – my fifth-grade daughter could make a better one than that.” Just in normal conversation.

Second-degree slander is in the form of prayer requests. Oooooh. Someone walks up, and it usually starts with, “I really shouldn’t say anything.” By the way, when someone says that, a good answer is, “Then don’t.”

It starts out with, “I really shouldn’t say anything, but so that you can pray – and please don’t pass this on – but Bob and Judy need prayer.” “Oh, really? Why?” “Well, they’re having troubles, you know. I mean, ever since their son that had the drug problem – oh, you didn’t know about the drug problem? Well, you can pray about that, too.”

So, in the form of a prayer request, we say things to people that – do they pray? I hope so. But their evaluation of that person goes down a number of notches.

First-degree is normal conversation. Second-degree slander is in the form of prayer requests. Third-degree slander, for me, is under the guise of getting help with a problem relationship.

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you, I’ve actually done this one on multiple occasions, I’m ashamed to say. And this is when you have a real problem situation. It’s often in the church. It can be in a family situation. This happens all the time in work situations.

And you find a person, and you usually have chosen, consciously or unconsciously, this person, because they’re very strategic. Because when you get done talking – especially if it’s going to be a big problem – you want this person’s view of reality framed, and you want it framed through your lens, not the lens of the other person.

And so, what you say is something like, “I’ve really got a pretty significant problem with Joe, and I need your counsel.” See, people always like to give counsel. It makes them feel like they’re smart, and they’re needed. “And so, let me define the problem for you, and let me analyze it. And so, in light of his family background, and his little time with the company, and he’s had that history you’re probably aware of, with a temper with other employees, and, you see, we had this situation.”

And what I do is, under the guise of asking for help in a problem, I frame the problem, I analyze the problem, and I become the victim, and I share all the dirty laundry of the person that I’m supposedly getting help for. And what it does is, it neatly frames the situation so that if there is a political big thing that’s going to happen at the office, I have now taken a power person, and they understand it from my perspective.

If there’s going to be a big breakdown with which part of the church is going to be for this pastor, and which is going to be against; if it’s a family situation, and it’s a mother-in-law, and it could divide the family, then what I want to make sure is, everyone understands how lily-pure I am and, “In light of all the different things she’s done with all the other kids, over time, and when she did come out of rehab, she probably still had some things she was struggling with. But I believe people need good psychological treatment. She’s had years of it. So, I don’t know, maybe it’s a relapse! Of course, on the medication that she’s on, it’s probably not her fault. It’s probably an adverse reaction. She’s just having a bad day. And if I took that many pills, then I would probably react that way, as well.” And it’s called “third-degree slander.” And James says, “Stop it.”

So, why do even sincere Christians – and this is the deal – why do sincere Christians get caught in the web of speaking against each other? How could this happen to people who love God? And I’ll give you two reasons.

Reason number one is, this is where I think we buy the lie. And when it comes to relationships, it’s very subtle, but here’s the lie I think that we believe: If other people would shape up, my life would work out. I have a conflict with my wife, a conflict with my boss, a conflict with one of my kids, a conflict in a church situation, and, underneath, it’s a very subtle lie: If this person would shape up, if they would just stop doing this, and start doing this; if they would just start doing this, and stop doing that, things would be fine!

The problem is the other person. And so, what I have to do is, I have to slant it in such a way that I say words that put them down, and words that put me up, so that others can really see what the real situation is so that person can change.

See, the problem is the other person. “The problem is my boss. It’s not me!” “The problem is my wife. It’s not me!” “The problem is my – after all we’ve done for our son – he’s seventeen years old, and he’s doing this. The problem isn’t us! We’re great, loving, amazing parents! It’s him!” “The problem isn’t me. It’s that pastor!” Or, “The problem isn’t me, the pastor; it’s that church!”

So, we think it’s the other person’s problems, and we share things with other people, like, “Well, you know, my husband, being as insensitive as he is, he’s just not meeting my needs.” And you share that with a person of the opposite sex to get sympathy. And that’s how bad things go.

Or, “You know, my wife, I don’t know, it’s her family background. You’ve got to understand. But all she does is, she is nagging, and criticizing, and, my lands, I don’t even feel like going home anymore.” All the while, the wheels are turning, and there are hurts, and issues.

Or, “It’s my boss. It’s his lack of compassion. It’s his lack of skill. He just doesn’t have expertise to do the job.” Do you see? The problem is the other person. “It’s the elders – they’re not sensitive.” “It’s the pastor – he’s got hang-ups. He’s not accessible.”

And so, what we do, unconsciously – and, by the way, I’m not saying you do it willfully. I’m saying unconsciously there’s a lie, and the lie is, there is interpersonal conflict, or there is a problem, and you unconsciously zoom to the solution: If that person would shape up, then things would get better. And if that’s the assumption, you will find things coming out of your mouth that push them down, and position you up.

And you say, “Well, why would I do that?” I’ll give you my reasons of why I do it. And if they fit, you can wear them, and if they’re too convicting, you can wear them later.

When I find myself doing this, it’s to cast blame, and avoid responsibility. When I do this, I often find myself, what I’m really doing is justifying my behavior, because if I’m part of the problem, then I have to deal with some of my stuff.

Often, when I do this, people have hit home, and I’m afraid I’m going to be rejected, and the best defense is often a good offense. So, if you’re afraid that you’re going to be rejected, what you do is, you put down the other person first. I’ve found it very effective, by the way.

Fourth, I find myself doing this to mask my insecurity. I’ll tell you, your life will get a lot better if you can just realize everyone on the planet is desperately insecure, and they just figure out creative ways to mask it, like you do, and like I do. I don’t care how old they get, how mature they get, how well they know the Lord – we all make progress – we’re desperately insecure people. And we will go to almost any lengths to protect us from people seeing that, and putting other people down.

The final thing that I find myself doing is, I do this to get other people on my side. If I see a storm cloud brewing, and there are going to be real problems, I unconsciously begin to drop little nuggets that speak down, that are critical, that put down, that show people in a negative light, so that I will be seen in a positive light, so when the conflict comes, in my mind, in my flesh, somehow I’ll come out of it a little bit better.

Now, I hope none of those are your situation, but if any of those happen to be things that you’ve ever done – I think that’s why we speak against, and it has become common in Christian circles. This is just a part of the fabric of the Church. It is now, it was then.

Notice, what do you have circled in your notes? Brother, one another, brother, neighbor. What do you have underlined? Don’t slander, don’t speak against, don’t speak against. Apparently, it’s happening.

So, the first reason, I think, we get caught up, we buy the lie. And the second is the perverse appetite we have for information. Proverbs 26:22 says, “Gossip is so tasty; how we love to swallow it.” It is so sickening, but we all just love to hear yicky stuff about other people! Don’t we?

There’s something in our flesh that just loves gossip.

And so, we’ve looked at the passage, we’ve defined the problem, and now, as we seek to deal with it, this issue of speaking against one another, it’s multiplied, as I’ve said, by the fact that I think we’re oblivious to it.

See, I don’t think Christians are going, “Oh my lands! That’s terrible what came out of my mouth. I’ve katalaleō. I’ve spoken against, harshly put in a negative light. Oh, Jesus, please forgive me. I’m sorry!”

I think we do it – [snaps] – I think we do it, and it rolls off our tongue, and I don’t think it ever comes to our mind.

I think this can be one of the most radical little portions of Scripture to change you, and change me, because what’s the Scripture say? If you can ever get a hold of your tongue, man, it’ll impact your entire life.
Why is tearing others down by our speech and judgmental attitudes – are you ready for this? – one of the most serious sins mentioned in Scripture? Underline that, will you? One of the most serious sins. We think it’s adultery, it’s murder – those are big. I’m telling you, from God’s perspective, speaking down, slandering, leaving people in a negative light, is one of the most serious sins in all of Scripture. And then, he’s going to give us two reasons.

Reason number one – because it demonstrates total disregard and contempt for God’s highest command, to love one another.

You say, “Well, where do you get that?” Look at what the text says, “Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the Law and judges it. When you judge the Law, you’re not keeping it, but you’re sitting in judgment on it.”

When we speak against, or tear down, or criticize, or defame, or gossip about someone else, what we do is, we put ourselves in the role of judge. In other words, these are the facts. To be a judge, you really need to know all the facts, all the circumstances, people’s motives, their hearts, what came before, what all the situations and circumstances could be. And then, based on all the knowledge, and them, and the other parties, you make a judgment.

Who’s the only Person that knows everything about everything? God. He says, “When you speak and tear down people, the only way you can tear them down and slander them is, you have to step back, look at the situation, make yourself the judge, the evaluator, the righteous one, the all-knowing one, and you communicate this as, ‘This is the way it is.’”

And he says, “When you do that, you speak, not only against the person, you speak against the Law. And when you judge the Law,” he says, “instead of you keeping it, and you doing what God wants you to do, and me doing what God wants me to do, you’re sitting in judgment on it.”

Now, say to yourselves, Well, aren’t there some times where we are supposed to judge? Yeah. Romans 13: civil authorities are to judge in civil matters.

Well, aren’t there times where there’s a problem, and I need to address it? Yes, Matthew 18: I need to judge, not in judging the person’s motives, or what he’s doing, but if I see someone who is sinning, my role is not to tell anyone else.

What does Matthew 18 say? I go to the person, in an attitude of love, and say, “I observe this. I don’t have all the facts. I’m concerned that your life and Scripture aren’t lining up. And knowing how much God loves you, and knowing the reputation of Christ is at stake, I’m obeying Matthew 18:15 to come to you in love.” And if he doesn’t respond, you go back with a witness, right? If he doesn’t respond to the witness, you take it to the leaders of the church. And there’s a really clear way to handle that.

So, there is a role for judging, but what this is talking about is, this is fault-finding, condemning in judgment that condemns another as wrong in God’s sight. This is judging another person’s motives, with the goal of lowering how people look at this person by what comes out of your mouth, or what comes out of my mouth.

And what’s the Royal Law? In James 2:8, he talks about the Royal Law. In Leviticus 19, we know the Royal Law. The Royal Law is – what? To love one another.

The second reason is it reveals that we are, in fact, playing God.

You say, “Wow, now that is serious. You mean when I just sort of gossip and say negative things about a person as I’m driving home from church; you mean that around the water cooler, when I come out of a meeting with the boss, and I say negative, critical, harsh, difficult things – do you…?” Yes!

We are usurping God’s authority, and His unique role as Judge, as Lawgiver, when we speak against someone else. When I began to grasp how serious this was, I have begun to pray, Oh, God, will You begin to filter what comes out of my mouth? In fact, would You begin to stop things in my mind before they unconsciously roll off my tongue? Because when I make a little innuendo, when I use a tone of voice, when I say something that’s “just my opinion” but I don’t know the facts, and when I get done, and someone thinks less of another person, when I’ve caused their status, and their esteem, and their value to go down, I am kata – against, tearing down, speaking against them. And James says, “Stop it.”

We become the judge. That’s God’s role. We violate the most and highest, important commandment – to love one another – when this comes out of our mouth.

The two most common areas, I find, that this happens in the Church are, number one, the rumor mill, and, number two, gray areas. I don’t know any organization that you can share something with one person, within three days, and if you want to make sure everybody hears about it, “Don’t tell anyone. This is highly confidential.”

By the way, gossip is passing on untested truth. If you don’t know it’s a hundred percent true, don’t pass it on, and, by the way, we’ll learn later, don’t receive it. The other is there are gray areas, aren’t there – Romans 14?. We come from different backgrounds - and Romans 14 says, “If it doesn’t violate Scripture, then let each man be judged according – live by faith, and let that person give an account to God.”

And I don’t mean we shouldn’t have convictions. I have very clear convictions on a lot of gray areas. I have learned, and have come to determine, before God, that there are certain things that I will do, and certain things I will not do that are gray. I don’t have any commands, but those are my personal convictions.

But what I’ve had to learn is, other people who love God more than me may have different convictions. And if I disagree with those, and start talking down about them to other people, I have violated the Royal Law of love – number one – and, number two, I have judged them. And God says, in Romans 14, “Who are you to judge the servant of another?”

Well, let’s get to the solution side. How do we break the habit of playing God? How do we get out of this? It’s very clear, very simple, but it’s going to take a real strong conviction, from your heart, to get there.

Step number one: Develop convictions about speaking against others.

I don’t mean beliefs. I don’t mean intentions. I don’t mean, I’m going to really try harder. Develop convictions. A conviction is something that is deep in your heart, and deep in your soul, and you say, “Mmm, of all the issues in my life.”

You have convictions, I pray, about lying. You have convictions about purity. You have convictions about how you’re going to raise your kids. Develop convictions about speaking against others.

Matthew 7:1 and 2 says, “Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure” – or, literally, “the basket,” or “the scoop,” “the size of container” – “that you use, it will be measured to you.”

This is about the kinds of judgments where you don’t have all the facts, and you make assumptions, and you judge them in your heart.

Matthew 12, verses 36 to 37. “I tell you that men will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word that they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

I remember memorizing that verse, and I got scared, “… every careless word …”

And all of a sudden, the lights started to come on: Ingram, I’ll tell you what, you think there are these big, big sins, and this is just a – this is huge.

I’m going to stand before God, you’re going to stand before God, and the careless, little words that put people down, that tear them down, that are sarcastic, that begin to make them be seen in a negative light, that plant seeds of distrust and disloyalty in other people, that put people on your side and do things that position you – whooo! Develop convictions.

The second thing – step two – ponder the consequences of your speech. Ponder the consequences of your speech.

Jesus says, the very last night on the earth, “A new commandment I give to you:” He says to His disciples, “love one another as I have loved you. So you must love one another. It is by this that men will know that you are My disciples” – how? – “if you love one another.”

Jesus’ greatest commandment is, “love.” His last prayer on earth, in John 17, “Father, make them one, even as We are one, I in You, and You in Me. May the world see their” – what? – “their unity.”

Words that build up, words that are encouraging, words that are inclusive, words that have to do with, “We are a team; we belong to God,” not words that tear down.

And so, I have thought to myself, It’s not about, even, the impact on me. When I bicker, when I have backstabbing, when I am divisive, I break God’s heart. and I undermine the very testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ. That’s why this is so serious.

Third, refuse to buy the lie. Remember that lie that it’s someone else’s problem? There’s a problem. This is why it comes out of my mouth; this is why it comes out of your mouth. Refuse to buy the lie that if someone else would shape up, then things would be all right.

Notice what it says in Romans 2:3, “So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them, and yet do the same things, do you think that you will escape God’s judgment?”

See, it’s not their fault, necessarily. Maybe it’s partly their fault. But over and over, “If so-and-so would do this, then things would shape up.” “If my wife would just do this.” “If my husband would do this.” “If my kid would do this.” “If our pastor would do this.” And if you buy that, I will guarantee, stuff will come out of your mouth that will be destructive, because the assumption, is you are the judge; you have all the facts.

You would never say, “I just want everyone to know right now, I’m the smartest, wisest, most knowledgeable person, who makes the best decisions about every area, and every relationship, and every circumstance, at all times. Here I am”? No one would stand up, would you?

But when I judge and believe that the problem is completely the other person’s fault, and then stuff comes out of my mouth, what am I doing? I’m, by fiat, saying, “That’s what I believe about myself.”

So, develop convictions. Ponder the consequences. Refuse to buy the lie. Step number four: Refuse to let others gossip.

This is a hard one. I still remember the first time I watched this happen in my life. And it’s still difficult for me.

When someone starts sharing things that are inappropriate, even in your heart, when you know it’s inappropriate, it’s kind of like, what do you do? “Hey, do you realize you’re sinning really big right now? Knock it off!” No, that won’t work. “You’re a really mature, Christian person that I like a lot, but you’re acting like a jerk!” No, that won’t work.

And so, a lot of times, someone is sharing stuff that you know is inappropriate, and then you find your head is nodding. Guess what, when your head is nodding, and they’re sharing something inappropriate, the message you’re sending is, Keep it coming. I agree with this. So, you think, Oh, oh, okay. I’m going to hold my head still – hmmm – and try and change the subject. You know what it takes? It takes courage.

I was in an elders’ meeting, early in my pastoral years, and a godly, godly man, a guy named Bill Carter – I’ll probably talk about him a lot – God brought him to that church to teach me how to be a pastor, along with other elders. A godly, godly man.

And we were, as elders – I think there were six or seven, and we were talking about a situation. It was about a person, and it wasn’t a person in our church, and it was a very clear situation.

And the conversation – we were talking, just like people talk – and it was winding around, winding around. And I watched Bill get really quiet. It was winding around, and developing, and no one had a problem. These are godly guys; they all love God. We had an hour of prayer and Bible study before we started; we’re in the Spirit.

And Bill says, “Excuse me, gentlemen, and everyone. My best understanding of Scripture is that our discussion of this person is inappropriate, in that we are not a part of the problem, nor are we a part of God’s solution. And I think the definition of Scripture, with regard to gossip, is passing on or dealing with information where we’re not a part of the problem, or the solution. Maybe it would be a good time to stop and pray for this person, and continue with our meeting.”

Now, you’ve got some power players on that elder board. And I’m the young pastor going, “Ooh!” I don’t know if the bullets are going to fly, or what’s going to happen, but I’m just going to sit back in my chair and go, I wonder what’s going to happen here! And he just had the courage, he said it gently, he said it lovingly.

And in every dynamic of relationship, you have people that are mature, and have influence and power. And I’ll never forget, probably the other most powerful person – I don’t mean that in a negative way; it’s by maturity, and stature – he turned and said, “Man, thanks, Bill. Gosh, guys. Thanks, Bill. Let’s stop right now.”

And what I learned was, in a winsome way, when people start telling you information, you can put up the stop sign and say, “You know something? I know you probably are doing this from sincere motives” – so you don’t judge them. Maybe it’s not. “But I’ll tell you what, I’m not a part of the solution, and I’m not part of the problem. My best understanding of Scripture is that you need to go directly to that person. And this is inappropriate for you to share, for the sake of Jesus and His Church, and for the sake of that person. So, if you don’t mind, could we talk about something else?” And give them an alternative.

But you know what? When you start doing that, it’s amazing how little people will gossip around you. And is there an uncomfortable moment? Yes. Is there a sting to this person? Yes. Guess what – that’s good! That’s like an antiseptic. It’s like an antibiotic in the body of Christ.

And, by the way, you do know that every church, or every group, has what I call a “garbage can.” There is a person who loves to hear this, and they keep the lid open, and they ask these probing, little questions, and everyone dumps their gossip. Here’s what you always have to remember. That garbage can goes to another meeting, and then they open the lid, and they dump it out to other places. So, be very careful not only how you receive, but what you share.

Step number five – and this is a good one – talk less. Really. This is a discipline. Proverbs 10:19, “When there are many words, sin is not absent.” I like another translation, “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable. But he who holds his tongue is wise.”

Notice what it says. This is a great summary – I love it, here in the Living Bible – of this passage, “Don’t criticize and speak evil about each other, dear brothers. If you do, you’ll be fighting against God’s Law of loving one another, declaring it wrong. But your job is not to decide whether the Law is right or wrong, but to obey it. Only He who made the law can rightly judge among us. He alone decides to save or destroy. So what right do you have to judge or criticize others?”

Hasn’t that captured what we’ve learned? Wouldn’t it be great to just memorize that little verse or two right there, out of the Living Bible?

And can I ask you a question, as we close? Is there anybody that you realize, after hearing this message, that you need to apologize to? Is there any person that you realize you have put in a negative light – and this will not be easy, but it’ll cleanse your soul – that you may need to write a note to, have a breakfast with, or a phone call?

And what I have learned is, it’s really hard, but I’ve just gotten to where, “Hey, Bob. This is Chip. I was in a meeting yesterday – and, brother, I’m really working on this – but in that meeting, your name came up. And I didn’t say anything really bad, or harsh, or this or that, but someone asked a question, and it came out of my mouth, and this is what I said. And it really cast you in a negative light. I’ve gone back to tell those people that I’m sorry. But I felt prompted by God to tell you. Brother, I want to keep short accounts. I’m very, very sorry. It wasn’t personal. It just sort of popped out of my mouth, and I would ask you to forgive me.”

And I will tell you, when you make that a practice, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to say less.